"The Future, Conan?"

There comes a time in every man's life that he must look back and reflect on the things he has done. A time for him to assess and evaluate his progress and how he matches up to the goals and aspirations he envisioned himself achieving at this point in his life. It is at these times that he may require some assistance from his past self. Luckily for me, my past self has been most accommodating in this regard. It was only yesterday that I found an old wooden chest recovered from the deepest part of the ocean(and by that I of course mean a dusty old box in my parents basement) that contained two papers written by my younger self. These papers contained a detailed assessment of what I thought I would be like now. I am almost positive that he intended me to divulge the information publicly on a blog on the internet. I am sure he thought of exactly all those things because from what I remember, he was quite a bright fellow. I think he could read minds too but I am less sure of that. The pink form is a list of his characteristics at the time. The green is what he expected of me. So without any further delay, let it commence!

1.
Well I have come on long way on this account. I am easily at least one foot taller and a respectable 40 pounds bigger. All muscle of course cause I works out. I am sure past Mark would be quite impressed.

2.
I am fairly certain that I did not watch much baseball when I was younger and so this choice is quite puzzling. I think I had his baseball card but that doesn't seem like adequate reason for being the person I most admired. The only logical explanation is that his last name was Strawberry. To be honest, I still kind of admire that. I suppose it could have been Darryl's prostitution and cocaine charges that endeared him to me because I was very interested in both of those things at that age.

3.
I have no idea why, but this cracks me up. When I read this I lol'd. Of all the things I could have chosen to learn, apparently the study of Native Americans (see how politically correct I am now?) was a top priority. Want to know what is even more awesome? I would bet that I know as much now as I did then on the subject. Sorry old school Mark.

4.
This makes no sense. Past me just confused present me. That has got to cause some temporal paradox of some sort.

5.
Well I would say mission accomplished here. Oh what, don't believe me? Then how would you explain this. Case closed.

6.
Your guess is as good as mine. I don't remember having poor self esteem. Maybe I was on the cutting edge of street lingo and it was meant to be like "that's phat!" or "that Taylor Swift song is sick, yo!" In that case, I was like wicked dumb back then, son!

7.
I know, I was surprised I even knew who that was too! I like to think that I was a connoisseur of comedy. I am sure I could understand all the subtle nuances of comedy and pop culture. I am not sure who I was trying to impress with this answer but it is awesome either way.

8.
I still stand by this. I loved this show!


9.
I am starting to think that I made this up. I googled it for like a half hour and could not find anything. If anyone know what this book is or if it is even real, please tell me. It is an awesome word though. I think I am going to use it as my nickname when I get in the UFC. "Now entering the ring, The Inflaterater!!!" *cheers, whooping, and swooning commences*

10.
Wow my aspirations were high. But to be fair, I don't think I had ever actually been there at this age. So technically Provo was just as foreign to me as Tokyo. Come to think of it, I think it still is.

11.
Ha, this is funny on so many levels. Not that Laura isn't a lovely person, it's just I'm not sure what I was thinking. I don't think I ever really talked to her at that age. Well, I don't think I talked to any girl that often at that age. Or now, come to think of it...........crap. Anyway, it didn't work out in the end I'm afraid. C'est la vie and whatnot.

12.
More "complex?" What in the world did I mean by that? I suppose I was talking about the contrasting social and ethical tendencies that often accompany an evolving multicultural society. I'm sure I just didn't have enough space to write that all down. Also, I should have just wrote that we would all be nerds. Ha, Zing! Take that nerds!

13.
Ah, another reminder of how scientists have failed us. No flying cars. No hover-boards. No terrifying lizard race conquering the planet. Where did we go so wrong? Its just a shame. I should be living on Mars right now! Oh wait, I wanted to live in Provo apparently. Guess your off the hook for that one scientists!

14.
I was obviously leaving the details to someone else. It seems "portle thing" was as far as I had thought it out. Also, not to nitpick, but going to some one's house in a "portle thing" is not really a form of communication. Psshh, what an idiot. Past me was so stupid.

Well those were the highlights. I learned a lot about myself reading this. Ok, not really but I think your meant to say that. Hope you enjoyed this walk down my memory lane. Hopefully one day I can buy a Delorean and I can go back and have a cup of tea with my past self (actually I don't drink tea so I will just have an orange soda. Past me can still have tea if he wants cause I can't tell me what to do). Until then, I think I am gonna sort out that whole "portle" issue. That sounds like a mad dumb idea, yo!

Bye-bye

Mark

"Looks Like We Made It..."

Ok, this is what happened.

I was out in the yard washing the vomit off the cat when who should come strolling up into the yard but the mailman! No, no, not Karl Malone. He hasn't stopped by in a while. (Call me dawg!) This was just Roger the mailman. So I put the cat back in the shoebox and shook Roger's hand. Then he was all like, "What up money. I got a package for you." Then I was all like, "Nice! Up top!" Then we proceeded to perform the most epic high five of all time! But wait, that's not it. After the epicness that was our high five, Roger gets all kinds of serious on me. His face got all somber and his voice started to crack a bit. He was all, "Mark, I need you to sign for this." I know, right! So I signed his sheet and then I dropped this bomb on him. I was like "Dude, I thought we were friends."

So how was everyone's weekend? That's right, I am assuming you are reading this on a Monday. Deal with it. My weekend was off the chain! Eric took me on a date to the jazz game the other night. Don't worry, I didn't give it up. But honestly it was one of the greatest games I have ever seen and I once saw a dude playing chess with a squirrel so I think I know. You know who my mortal enemy is? The Joker. Uhhh....wait I mispoke! That is Batman's mortal enemy, how embarrasing! I'm not Batman! What gave you that idea; that is just silly! (*phew* that was close.) No, what I meant to say was grammar. Honestly, I am terrible at it. Oh well. The holidays were great thanks for asking. Emily was in town which was great. She makes it feel more like home when she is here. Also Blake came down which feels like a band reunion when we hang out. Love it. And yes, I did get that robotic leg that I wanted so all is well. Let's see what else awesome did I do? Hey Mark, tell them about the time you climbed that mountain and saved 30 orphans by strapping them to your biceps with dental floss! Oh no I couldn't! But how about I tell you something else?!

Not sure how many of you know but I do a comic book podcast with my brother and some of my friends. Well a few months ago we decided to make an anthology of short comics that we would all participate in. I know awesome right? Well it is getting close to being finished and we are crazy excited about it. I wrote a story for it and I hope it is good. Anyway I will keep you updated on that as I know more.

Well just wanted to stop in and check up on y'all. If you still check to see if I updated this blog then thank you very much. I know I need to be more regular. Hope all is well with everyone.

Bye Bye

Mark

PS: Do you guys remember Kids Incorporated? Ha, that show ruled.

Mark Wars: The Blog Strikes Back

What's up kids and kidettes!

I have just been out helping orphans and doing some other charity work so I haven't had a lot of time to write. I also took a small trip to Africa and sorted out all their problems. You probably saw it on the news. Then about a month ago I sat down to write and sure enough, the U.N. called and asked me to come speak again. You know, I don't mind doing it but at least give me a little notice. So I have been way too busy to write. If you don't believe that then number one, why not? And number two..... well I suppose I really only had a number one.

I went to the greatest concert ever last night! It was the Avett Brothers and if any of you are not listening to them you need to be. I can't even explain how good it was. But every silver cloud has a grey lining as the saying goes. I have decided I can't go to concerts with my brother Spencer anymore. I know what your thinking and no, it's not because of the extra arm he has. It's because he is a magnet for the most drunken, annoying people on the planet! No joke, even if they are on the opposite side of the venue they will go out of there way to be right next to us. I don't know what it is about drunk people and their need to touch everyone and everything around them. I have been felt up by several drunk people at concerts and I think only one of them was female (and I am still not sure about that one). There were these drunkards last night who thought (and I use that word lightly) that it would be a great idea to swing dance right behind us. I say dance but it was more like stumbling whilst holding hands. I would hope that they were embarrassed by their behavior today but I know that they are not. Moral of the story children is that if you want to be universally hated by the people around you, get drunk and try to dance in a crowd full of people.

I am not sure if you all know but we do a comic book podcast that you should all check out. Here is the link to our website. It is really fun and Cally will crack you up while offending you at the same time. Honestly, he is half the reason I do it. So give it a shot and see if you like it. Also tell everyone you know to download it. Especially anyone in the 60-70 market. Our numbers in the senior citizen group have been struggling.

I took a trip down to Mesquite and Zion's and whatnot. Our car broke down on the way home and so that sucked. But we hiked the Narrows which is always cool. Do you want to know how prepared I was for the hike? Sure you do. As I am sure most of you know the Narrows is a hike that is entirely in a river. So I thought it would be a good idea to hike in jeans. That is just an example of the level of intelligence I am operating on. Frightening, I know. On top of that I was hiking in ten dollar Walmart shoes. What was funny is that everyone else we passed on the hike were all wearing proper hiking equipment which made me look even more intelligent. It did help that I was also shirtless so as to show off my rippling muscles. The water was glistening off my bronzed herculean figure and my biceps............ ok, who am I kidding. However, Zion park is stunning. It is easily my favorite place in this state.

Well that's it for now. I can't tell you how cool you all are for reading this blog. Thank you for giving me crap for not writing; it is honestly the greatest compliment I could get. I really want to write more and so I am gonna try to make that happen. Plus, I need the practice if I want to land that gig writing for 90210. *fingers crossed*

Cya

-Mark

P.S. - Here is one reason you need to hook up the Avett Bros. Holy crap! No wait, the holiest of craps!

Hello? Is This Thing On?

Coming to this blog near you:

THE MARF MACHINE: A NEW POST

EPISODE IV

COMING WINTER/SPRING/SUMMER/OR POSSIBLY FALL
2009

BE THERE!

No really, I will be posting again soon for all of you(and by all of you I naturally mean me since I can only assume that by now I am essentially talking to myself). Anyway should be up in the next couple days; just wanted you all to know that I am still mostly alive.

C-ya

Mark

You Can't Tell Me What I Can and Can't Jump From!

I was actually just reading someone else's blog and they had a link to mine that said I hadn't posted in 2 months. Can you believe that? Not that I haven't posted (I don't think that surprises anybody), but that it has been two months! I have come up with a theory. I am pretty sure I am some type of a Titan or Atlas or some other muscular mystical being. The reason I say this is because time for me passes faster than you mere mortals. To me it has been a day. Well, a day and 14 minutes to be exact (figure that out you math nerds). I honestly don't know why time is moving so fast for me. Especially since I am bored all the time. Isn't time supposed to move more slowly when you are bored?

Anyway, enough about time and science and whatnot. Hmm, did you know that "whatnot" doesn't trigger the spell check thingy. Well, neither does "thingy" for that matter. Crazy.

I had a realization about myself the other day. Well two actually of equal importance. The first is that trying to jump from a swivel chair to my bed is a terrible idea. I know you'd think it would be awesome and don't get me wrong, it sorta was. But I wouldn't try it if I were you. Trust me.

The second is that I think I am a feminist. Now, I am not sure if that is possible or not. But I find myself getting offended by things on television as well as things in the world. Like for example, doesn't it bug anyone else that female characters in movies and TV always end up having a relationship with some dude? I mean if you really think about it, there are tons of guys in shows that never have any type of relationship or fall in love or anything. They are just there doing their job or being kooky or something (also how come all the comedic releif characters in movies are male?). Female characters on the other hand usually always start out being all about the job but then end up "falling in love" or whatever the worldly version of that is. I think that's a bit sexist assuming that all chicks want to fall in love or at least that being the main motivator for their actions. I mean as of the time of writing this blog, I am not a female. So it is entirely possible that I just don't understand. I am not sure if i am even allowed to be offended by this stuff. It just bothers me that female characters always have "falling in love" as part of their story lines.

On that same note, it bothers me that there are women in this world who base all their decisions and actions on how men will react to them. It drives me nuts! I am speaking about those women who seem to have no other interest other then men. Why do they care? I am going to break a long held guy secret here that I am sure I will have to pay for. Here is the scoop: We Are Not That Cool! Honestly, we talk a big game but dudes are not that awesome; present company excluded. Seriously, we smell funny, have hair growing out our ears, we scratch every portion of our bodies thoroughly, and are prone to headbutting. Wait that is cool, scratch that last one. So this being the case, why do these chicks go out of their way to impress men? This is what I mean when I say I think I am a feminist. I just want to yell at this chicks and tell them to live their own life! Maybe I am the exception but I tend to be more interested in a girl who does her own thing regardless of what dudes will think about them. But I don't think I am allowed to say anything.

Now I am kinda split on this as well. My more masculine, Steven Seagal lovin' half (which on review might be the least masculine thing I have ever said) is attracted to women who are very traditional. I mean the type of women who actually do want to become mothers and become homemakers. Not that there is anything wrong with not wanting those things, its just my opinion. I don't think that all women have to do those things or they are failures. I am just impressed by women who could do anything yet choose to be with their families.

I guess my point in what will go down as my oddest post ever, is that I believe that women should celebrate their femininity instead of looking upon it as an undesirable thing. It bothers me when women try to take on positions and roles of men. Meaning, I don't think a woman should have to act and behave like a man to be considered equal. I just think the roles of men and women in our society as well as the human race as a whole is fascinating.

Anyway that just something that I been thinking about. I am not pretending to know anything about anything. This is also a very condensed version of a full and complete thought, so if you have any comments please feel free to post your opinion on the subject and I will try better to explain mine.

Well that's it for now. Remember you can all follow me on twitter if you like by clicking here: https://twitter.com/Marfmachine

I tend to write there a bit more frequently. Sides, you should all be rockin' Twitter anyway fo realz.

K I'm outta here. I am off to knit starving homeless animals sweaters or possibly going to play Warcraft for 30 hours straight. I think we all know which one I'll be doing. Just gotta learn how to knit.

I Just Saw a Guy Eating Ice Cream in His Car

See, you all think that it has been over a month since I posted on here last. Well that is far from true. I actually posted once a day since my last post. But the thing is, my posts were so groundbreaking and revolutionary that the government actually deleted them as soon as I put them on. Big Brother, right? It's probably for the best. The world wasn't ready for the knowledge I dropped in those posts. One day.....

So that concludes the blatant lying portion of the blog that has become sort of a trademark I think. Oh what, me? Things have been going alright thanks for asking. I haven't had a lot of jobs this week so I have been extremely bored. I know what you are all thinking. "King Mark, sire, why did you not play some Warcraft if you were bored?" Umm I did! A whole bunch! But it didn't help. The problem with me being bored is that I get cabin fever and that only leads to me buying crap that I don't need. Nothing relieves boredom like spending money on useless stuff. But thankfully there are more jobs at the moment.

You know what phrase drives me crazy? Well "drives me crazy" is a bit annoying now that I think of it. But the phrase that really gets my goat(well if I had one. Note to self: purchase goat next time you are bored) is "the customer is always right." Wow, I got a little angry just typing that. Honestly people. 95% of the time the customer is wrong. Horribly wrong. I know that there was some management dork that decided that was a good business model and now we are all paying for it. Think about it. It makes no sense! "Well doctor, I know that you said that drinking anti-freeze will give me a mild case of death , but that doesn't sound right. Can I speak to your manager?" Yup, I actually had that conversation. True story. Maybe I shouldn't blame the dork who came up with that saying because the real problem is that people actually started believing it! When did we as a society start thinking we could do every profession better then those that actually do them? Honestly, I am perfectly content to let people do there jobs. Now I understand that there are exceptions to this. I know there are less intelligent people in the work force. But trust me, there are not enough to make people justified in thinking they are always right. Well except me, naturally. I am always right.

So here is the part were I say I am going to write more, but then never do. I really should just save this section of the blog and attach it to all of them. Thanks for all the nice comments from everyone who reads these. Sorry I don't reply, I just usually see something shiny and get distracted and don't do it. But you are all awesome thanks.

Well see ya, I gotta go tell someone how to do their job.

PS: If you ever wondered what a genius sounds like, here you go.

"Don't Worry, This Is Totally Necessary."

Hey Kids and Kidettes!

So I just learned how Chubby Checker got that name. Awesome. Oh boy, I have had a pretty eventful week or so. Went to Comic-Con. Yup that's right. It was pretty stinkin' sweet. I dressed up like Princess Leia. It must have been a hit cause people were whispering and pointing at me. So they must have thought it was awesome.......right? No but honestly I don't need to dress up cause I already bear an uncanny resemblance to Superman.

So on the way home from Comic-Con, one of my teeth decided to explode. Literally. Honestly out of nowhere it started having shooting pain that almost made me throw up. Mind you, this was in the middle of the desert in Cali when this started happening. Lame, right? So we stopped at the store and I got some of those Advil PM things. I haven't ever taken those things before now. So I took a couple and just sat there. In like 15 minutes I fell asleep. When I woke up I realized it had only been 45 min. I was all like, "How lame is that, those dumb pills don't even work!" So I started reading a comic book (I am a nerd, remember?) and sure enough like 20 minutes later, my body pretty much shut down. I mean like instantly. My head may have actually hit the dashboard, I am still uncertain. So I pretty much slept the 10 hour drive home.

So we get home and I get an appointment with the dentist. I show up and he tells me I need a root canal. But the weird thing is that he tells me he hasn't done one on that specific tooth for like 13 years. So I am thinking "How is that even possible?" Apparently I am the only one in his whole 13 years of dentistry that has had a problem with that tooth. I mean honestly, I can't decide if he just chooses not to do those teeth or if it is just random that no one he has seen has had a problem there. I am leaning towards the first one.

So anyway, he refers me to another dentist who is all about my tooth apparently. So I show up at this other place and they make me sign all those papers that say if they kill you its not their fault and that you are giving them permission to make you look like a goofball. I think there may have been a part that said something about them posting pictures of me on the Internet, I don't remember exactly. So they take me to the dungeon and the dentist says to me, "So how is your day?" Hmmmm......... lets see. I had an ok breakfast, my favorite Miley Cyrus song came on the radio on the way here, I am here for a root canal, and I am gonna play some Warcraft later. Well actually, considering the root canal, I am gonna say not so good. But thanks for asking. Really, what did he expect? That I would say "Awesome!" and do one of those slow motion high-fives like in Breakfast Club? Anyway I thought that was funny. Then he starts in with the small talk as he is attaching things to my face that I have actually seen in Battlestar Galactica. I have a problem being asked questions when the person asking doesn't actually care. I am always extremely tempted to answer the what I did this weekend question by saying, "Oh nothing really just hung out with some of my buddies, ate some food, saw a movie, killed a hobo in the train yard and buried him in a field, you know the usual." Funny thing is, I actually did all those things this weekend. Anyway, I understand the purpose of small talk, it just seems pointless.

INTERMISSION (sorry this is the longest post I have ever done I think.)

So he starts getting into it with all his contraptions and devil tools. Granted, I couldn't feel a thing but as you all know, the whole process is unsettling. The other funny thing is that he really would not explain what he was doing. I honestly think he was nervous that I would see how to do it and then run out and start my own dentist office in my garage. Seriously, why are they so secretive? Anyway I did see most of it and I could probably do it. So if any of you are interested in some cheap dental work, give me a call.

Actually saying I understood what was happening couldn't have been further from the truth. I really think he did a couple of things that were totally unnecessary, but he threw them in just to confuse me. I think the part that freaked me out the most was the open flame he was using. Really. It was like a flame! It was like he was using some procedure from the 17th century! I don't know what he was doing with it, but we friggin' put a man on the moon! There has got to be something better than that! All in all, the whole thing was way over my head.

So he finishes up and decides he wants to have a conversation knowing full well that I am going to sound like someone who has been kicked in the head by a horse. This is why I am convinced that they just like to mess with you. Really, I think I saw him high-five the assistant as I left. And I am pretty sure he tried to put a kick me sign on my back on my way out. The jerk.

So teeth suck is kind of the whole point. I mean really, why do teeth even have nerves in them? I don't need to feel anything with my teeth. I think I am going to have them all taken out. I might do it myself. I think there is a guide on Wikipedia, I'll have to check.

Well now that you wasted 6 hours of your life reading this, you should probably go do something productive like tutoring inner city children or something. I am gonna go dribble some Kool-Aid down my chin and go to bed.

Cya.