Thursday, December 13, 2007

Cold = Lame

I got a question, no wait I have something to say. Call Jeff Old Man River next time you see him. It will be funny I promise. Also, cold, right? It could possibly be the worst thing of all time. Why do humans live in the cold? It makes no sense! Humans were not designed for the cold. It's true! I asked this scientist that I play Baccarat with on Wednesdays, and he reads books and what not so he would know.

So just the other day I was readin' on the Intraweb about this global warming, and I thought to myself, "Yeeehaaaaa!" There may have been more e's in there but I don't remember. See, people always think that would be a bad thing, but I think it would only be bad if people weren't prepared for it. So check it, here is the plan. We will send out a memo on like really fancy letterhead to everyone on the planet that will read as follows:

Dear Human,

This memo, which is typed on like really fancy letterhead, is to inform you that everyone who is cool have decided to raise the thermostat of the earth to a comfortable global temperature of 71 degrees. We know, awesome right? Anyway, all of you living by free standing bodies of water such as the ocean, will probably want to move your crap...urr, we mean belongings, elsewhere. We would advise you do this within the next year. Maybe go live at your brother's house. Cool, so if you have any questions, please feel free to go to and ask it whatever you want.


Everyone Who Is Cool

PS: Attached is a detailed diagram of how this process will occur, depicted as one of those cute ASCII drawings.

*****$$$$^^^^(( $$$%%%^^&
****$$$$$@@@@^^^&&& %%&&&&&&&
***$$()()()()()()()()))) !@!@!@!@!@!@!
***$$$$++++++----====== ####*****
** ## &&
%@#@# ******* ^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!

(as you could see, we also included an accurate replication of the Sistine Chapel ceiling.)

Tell me that wouldn't solve all our problems! Also, I'll bet we could work Akon in to the plan somewhere. I'll talk to my people.

So everybody bend your mufflers pointing up, and run those babies all night! Also convert all of your appliances to operate on gas. Also, convert your computer to be wood burning. That should do it.

......................................I'm cold.