Sunday, November 30, 2008

You Can't Tell Me What I Can and Can't Jump From!

I was actually just reading someone else's blog and they had a link to mine that said I hadn't posted in 2 months. Can you believe that? Not that I haven't posted (I don't think that surprises anybody), but that it has been two months! I have come up with a theory. I am pretty sure I am some type of a Titan or Atlas or some other muscular mystical being. The reason I say this is because time for me passes faster than you mere mortals. To me it has been a day. Well, a day and 14 minutes to be exact (figure that out you math nerds). I honestly don't know why time is moving so fast for me. Especially since I am bored all the time. Isn't time supposed to move more slowly when you are bored?

Anyway, enough about time and science and whatnot. Hmm, did you know that "whatnot" doesn't trigger the spell check thingy. Well, neither does "thingy" for that matter. Crazy.

I had a realization about myself the other day. Well two actually of equal importance. The first is that trying to jump from a swivel chair to my bed is a terrible idea. I know you'd think it would be awesome and don't get me wrong, it sorta was. But I wouldn't try it if I were you. Trust me.

The second is that I think I am a feminist. Now, I am not sure if that is possible or not. But I find myself getting offended by things on television as well as things in the world. Like for example, doesn't it bug anyone else that female characters in movies and TV always end up having a relationship with some dude? I mean if you really think about it, there are tons of guys in shows that never have any type of relationship or fall in love or anything. They are just there doing their job or being kooky or something (also how come all the comedic releif characters in movies are male?). Female characters on the other hand usually always start out being all about the job but then end up "falling in love" or whatever the worldly version of that is. I think that's a bit sexist assuming that all chicks want to fall in love or at least that being the main motivator for their actions. I mean as of the time of writing this blog, I am not a female. So it is entirely possible that I just don't understand. I am not sure if i am even allowed to be offended by this stuff. It just bothers me that female characters always have "falling in love" as part of their story lines.

On that same note, it bothers me that there are women in this world who base all their decisions and actions on how men will react to them. It drives me nuts! I am speaking about those women who seem to have no other interest other then men. Why do they care? I am going to break a long held guy secret here that I am sure I will have to pay for. Here is the scoop: We Are Not That Cool! Honestly, we talk a big game but dudes are not that awesome; present company excluded. Seriously, we smell funny, have hair growing out our ears, we scratch every portion of our bodies thoroughly, and are prone to headbutting. Wait that is cool, scratch that last one. So this being the case, why do these chicks go out of their way to impress men? This is what I mean when I say I think I am a feminist. I just want to yell at this chicks and tell them to live their own life! Maybe I am the exception but I tend to be more interested in a girl who does her own thing regardless of what dudes will think about them. But I don't think I am allowed to say anything.

Now I am kinda split on this as well. My more masculine, Steven Seagal lovin' half (which on review might be the least masculine thing I have ever said) is attracted to women who are very traditional. I mean the type of women who actually do want to become mothers and become homemakers. Not that there is anything wrong with not wanting those things, its just my opinion. I don't think that all women have to do those things or they are failures. I am just impressed by women who could do anything yet choose to be with their families.

I guess my point in what will go down as my oddest post ever, is that I believe that women should celebrate their femininity instead of looking upon it as an undesirable thing. It bothers me when women try to take on positions and roles of men. Meaning, I don't think a woman should have to act and behave like a man to be considered equal. I just think the roles of men and women in our society as well as the human race as a whole is fascinating.

Anyway that just something that I been thinking about. I am not pretending to know anything about anything. This is also a very condensed version of a full and complete thought, so if you have any comments please feel free to post your opinion on the subject and I will try better to explain mine.

Well that's it for now. Remember you can all follow me on twitter if you like by clicking here:

I tend to write there a bit more frequently. Sides, you should all be rockin' Twitter anyway fo realz.

K I'm outta here. I am off to knit starving homeless animals sweaters or possibly going to play Warcraft for 30 hours straight. I think we all know which one I'll be doing. Just gotta learn how to knit.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I Just Saw a Guy Eating Ice Cream in His Car

See, you all think that it has been over a month since I posted on here last. Well that is far from true. I actually posted once a day since my last post. But the thing is, my posts were so groundbreaking and revolutionary that the government actually deleted them as soon as I put them on. Big Brother, right? It's probably for the best. The world wasn't ready for the knowledge I dropped in those posts. One day.....

So that concludes the blatant lying portion of the blog that has become sort of a trademark I think. Oh what, me? Things have been going alright thanks for asking. I haven't had a lot of jobs this week so I have been extremely bored. I know what you are all thinking. "King Mark, sire, why did you not play some Warcraft if you were bored?" Umm I did! A whole bunch! But it didn't help. The problem with me being bored is that I get cabin fever and that only leads to me buying crap that I don't need. Nothing relieves boredom like spending money on useless stuff. But thankfully there are more jobs at the moment.

You know what phrase drives me crazy? Well "drives me crazy" is a bit annoying now that I think of it. But the phrase that really gets my goat(well if I had one. Note to self: purchase goat next time you are bored) is "the customer is always right." Wow, I got a little angry just typing that. Honestly people. 95% of the time the customer is wrong. Horribly wrong. I know that there was some management dork that decided that was a good business model and now we are all paying for it. Think about it. It makes no sense! "Well doctor, I know that you said that drinking anti-freeze will give me a mild case of death , but that doesn't sound right. Can I speak to your manager?" Yup, I actually had that conversation. True story. Maybe I shouldn't blame the dork who came up with that saying because the real problem is that people actually started believing it! When did we as a society start thinking we could do every profession better then those that actually do them? Honestly, I am perfectly content to let people do there jobs. Now I understand that there are exceptions to this. I know there are less intelligent people in the work force. But trust me, there are not enough to make people justified in thinking they are always right. Well except me, naturally. I am always right.

So here is the part were I say I am going to write more, but then never do. I really should just save this section of the blog and attach it to all of them. Thanks for all the nice comments from everyone who reads these. Sorry I don't reply, I just usually see something shiny and get distracted and don't do it. But you are all awesome thanks.

Well see ya, I gotta go tell someone how to do their job.

PS: If you ever wondered what a genius sounds like, here you go.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

"Don't Worry, This Is Totally Necessary."

Hey Kids and Kidettes!

So I just learned how Chubby Checker got that name. Awesome. Oh boy, I have had a pretty eventful week or so. Went to Comic-Con. Yup that's right. It was pretty stinkin' sweet. I dressed up like Princess Leia. It must have been a hit cause people were whispering and pointing at me. So they must have thought it was awesome.......right? No but honestly I don't need to dress up cause I already bear an uncanny resemblance to Superman.

So on the way home from Comic-Con, one of my teeth decided to explode. Literally. Honestly out of nowhere it started having shooting pain that almost made me throw up. Mind you, this was in the middle of the desert in Cali when this started happening. Lame, right? So we stopped at the store and I got some of those Advil PM things. I haven't ever taken those things before now. So I took a couple and just sat there. In like 15 minutes I fell asleep. When I woke up I realized it had only been 45 min. I was all like, "How lame is that, those dumb pills don't even work!" So I started reading a comic book (I am a nerd, remember?) and sure enough like 20 minutes later, my body pretty much shut down. I mean like instantly. My head may have actually hit the dashboard, I am still uncertain. So I pretty much slept the 10 hour drive home.

So we get home and I get an appointment with the dentist. I show up and he tells me I need a root canal. But the weird thing is that he tells me he hasn't done one on that specific tooth for like 13 years. So I am thinking "How is that even possible?" Apparently I am the only one in his whole 13 years of dentistry that has had a problem with that tooth. I mean honestly, I can't decide if he just chooses not to do those teeth or if it is just random that no one he has seen has had a problem there. I am leaning towards the first one.

So anyway, he refers me to another dentist who is all about my tooth apparently. So I show up at this other place and they make me sign all those papers that say if they kill you its not their fault and that you are giving them permission to make you look like a goofball. I think there may have been a part that said something about them posting pictures of me on the Internet, I don't remember exactly. So they take me to the dungeon and the dentist says to me, "So how is your day?" Hmmmm......... lets see. I had an ok breakfast, my favorite Miley Cyrus song came on the radio on the way here, I am here for a root canal, and I am gonna play some Warcraft later. Well actually, considering the root canal, I am gonna say not so good. But thanks for asking. Really, what did he expect? That I would say "Awesome!" and do one of those slow motion high-fives like in Breakfast Club? Anyway I thought that was funny. Then he starts in with the small talk as he is attaching things to my face that I have actually seen in Battlestar Galactica. I have a problem being asked questions when the person asking doesn't actually care. I am always extremely tempted to answer the what I did this weekend question by saying, "Oh nothing really just hung out with some of my buddies, ate some food, saw a movie, killed a hobo in the train yard and buried him in a field, you know the usual." Funny thing is, I actually did all those things this weekend. Anyway, I understand the purpose of small talk, it just seems pointless.

INTERMISSION (sorry this is the longest post I have ever done I think.)

So he starts getting into it with all his contraptions and devil tools. Granted, I couldn't feel a thing but as you all know, the whole process is unsettling. The other funny thing is that he really would not explain what he was doing. I honestly think he was nervous that I would see how to do it and then run out and start my own dentist office in my garage. Seriously, why are they so secretive? Anyway I did see most of it and I could probably do it. So if any of you are interested in some cheap dental work, give me a call.

Actually saying I understood what was happening couldn't have been further from the truth. I really think he did a couple of things that were totally unnecessary, but he threw them in just to confuse me. I think the part that freaked me out the most was the open flame he was using. Really. It was like a flame! It was like he was using some procedure from the 17th century! I don't know what he was doing with it, but we friggin' put a man on the moon! There has got to be something better than that! All in all, the whole thing was way over my head.

So he finishes up and decides he wants to have a conversation knowing full well that I am going to sound like someone who has been kicked in the head by a horse. This is why I am convinced that they just like to mess with you. Really, I think I saw him high-five the assistant as I left. And I am pretty sure he tried to put a kick me sign on my back on my way out. The jerk.

So teeth suck is kind of the whole point. I mean really, why do teeth even have nerves in them? I don't need to feel anything with my teeth. I think I am going to have them all taken out. I might do it myself. I think there is a guide on Wikipedia, I'll have to check.

Well now that you wasted 6 hours of your life reading this, you should probably go do something productive like tutoring inner city children or something. I am gonna go dribble some Kool-Aid down my chin and go to bed.


Monday, May 26, 2008

Dude, Wash Your Hands

Kids these days, right?

So I am back after a small hiatus. It's no big deal really, I am sure I have only been gone for a week tops. I don't know how all you people update your blogs so often. I suppose it is because you have something worthwhile to say whereas I have mostly drivel.

So you want to hear something disgusting? Sure you do. So I got off work this morning and I thought to myself, "You worked hard last night. I think you deserve some breakfast bud." That's right, I call myself bud. So I went to the BK (which is what the "hip" Burger King marketing guys want you to call it) and got myself a sausage biscut. Suck! I didn't misspell anything up to this point until I hit biscuit. Anyway, I got my food and went home, sat down, and started to eat. I was enjoying myself until I looked down and saw that my hand was literally black as coal from boxes I was carrying last night. I am not even joking! I looked at the biscuit and sure enough, it had black finger prints on it......nasty. Needless to say it was gross but after licking off the black stuff on my fingers I was able to enjoy the sandwich. Close call.

So my brother bought a scooter. Ask him what the name of it is next time you see him. Trust me, it is worth it. So I decided that I have no problem with people who drive and talk on their phones. I do have a problem with people who can't drive and talk on their phones. If you can't do both, pick one then. Honestly. I can do both easily, and I have only killed one person. And he was a hobo anyway so that doesn't really count. I'm just joking, sorry. He may have had a job I don't know.

So I have been doing this twitter thing. Ya'll should hook that up. Specifically sign up so that you can subscribe to Kelly's twitter posts. They are the funniest things I have ever read. Here is the last thing he wrote:

My bro is at a lan party, and his girlfriend just decides to come over and start cleaning. It just drives me nuts.

That made me laugh so hard.

So we saw that new Harrison Ford picture show(shout out to the old dude that called the Indy film that). I am gonna tell you right now that it is gonna get a lot of hate from people. Listen, I understand why you are complaining. But honestly, what did you expect? People need to be less critical about these things. Just go enjoy yourself. I thought Grandpa Ford did pretty good for coming back to this after like a billion years. If anything it was a lot better than the Rambo movie. Of course that isn't saying much I guess.

Anyone who knows me will know that I can watch this literally 24 hours a day:

Ok, I am not a mean spirited person and I don't love that just because someone gets hurt. The real gold of that video is how cool the dude tries to be after. He is like, "What? I run into crap all the time. It's no big deal. I'm outta here, you guys are all squares." Also, that dude full on runs into that glass! Oh man I still cry a little when I see that. Turn up the volume really loud for the best effect.

Weeellllpppp, guess i better be hittin' the ol' dusty trails. I really hope that I update this thing more often. I am gonna try to. But when I don't, lets just all pretend that I never said I was going to. I think the overall things i want you all to take from this are:

1. Always check your fingers before you eat.
2. Sign up for twitter @ and search for me (Marfmachine) and you can find Kelly from mine.
3. Stay in school.

Cool, cya.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Releasing The Demons

Want to know what sucks? The Alliance, naturally. But what else? Food poisoning. I got food poisoning this past week from eating a stinkin' burrito from Taco Bell. Now I understand that eating at Taco Bell is essentially like playing Russian roulette; eventually your going to catch a bullet. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But how does that happen, honestly? I mean what are you doing to food that would cause such a shock on the body? I mean I could understand if I was licking the floor in some seedy truck stop bathroom. "Oh whats this then? I got sick from licking a floor? Well doc, that sounds about right." I would be perfectly ok with that. But no, I didn't get sick from licking the floor(not to say that I didn't do it, I just didn't get sick from it). I got sick from eating a burrito! I mean what was I thinking eating something from a supposed "restaurant". Well I deserve what I got for doing something so detestable if you ask me.

Well it is over now and I feel much better. But it was............unpleasant. I would describe it in detail but there may be women and children reading this. Lets just say that "sludge" would be an appropriate adjective. Let that soak in. Gross. Needless to say(a phrase which almost always precedes someone saying something.....), I am going to lay off the Taco Bell for awhile. Except for Baja Blast which happens to be the greatest beverage ever to exist on the planet. There is no way I can give that up.

On a lighter note, the Jazz are ruling some suckas right now. They beat the Hornets (number 1 team in the west) last night in New Orleans! Booya! So I could not be happier about them right now. Plus the Lakers got beat by Portland last night. So a good night for basketball if you ask me.

So many of you might not know, because I keep it a closely guarded secret and never talk to anyone about it ever, I play World of Warcraft. But not so much these past couple weeks. I know, crazy right? Just haven't felt like it. Also I am trying not to fail college. It could go either way right now, so everyone keep your fingers crossed.

I may be the worst blogger of all time. But I am of the firm opinion that it is quality over quantity. Also I am lazy. But the quality/quantity thing really. Really.

So anyway, I have been kinda busy lately so if I have dissed you I am truly sorry. Hope all is well.


This song is about Surge the drink. That is awesome.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Principal's Are Lame

Beep Bop Boop.

So how have things been? This computer has the smallest shift key of all time so I am not going to capitalize anything else from here on out. nice. with that out of the way, we can get to the meat and granola, i mean potatoes of this blog. let me tell you something about school. apparently the only way to get good grades is by going to class and doing your homework! i know, i couldn't believe it either! the way i see it, if we all stop going to class and doing our homework, they will have to come up with something else.

so does anybody else miss the writer's strike? of course, not counting all the people who were out of jobs because of it. i am sure it was not that awesome for them. i don't think tv has ever been as interesting to me as it was during the strike. there was something about seeing conan o'brien just winging it every night that was so sweet. it just seemed so real and accessible. it was kind of like a stripped down acoustic album, or whatever the visual equivalent to that is. but now it is back to the same old thing. oh well.

the music i am listening to right now could be the best music i have heard in all of our lives combined. i haven't written anything in awhile. i got a job at macey's so if any of you are bored at 3 in the morning come and see me. i'll be the one hating his life in the baked goods isle.

i don't know if i have ever told anybody this, but i really like the tab key. i don't know i just dig it. do you ever wish that i would write something relevant to anything rather than making observations that aren't interesting to anyone but myself? yeah i didn't think so. holy crap i am going to buy this album tomorrow!

so what have all you guys been up to? want to know something funny? i hate running into people i know up at school because it is always so awkward. i mean with anybody. i could run into my brother and it would still be kind of weird. it is funny because you usually both have to go to class so it is not like you have tons of time to discuss politics or the weather or that awesome episode of one tree hill that was on last night. but at the same time you don't want to seem like you don't want to talk to them. so honestly i try to avoid the situation at all costs. but it is the situation that i am avoiding not the people. so if i have ever ignored anyone up there i am sorry. i am just a little neurotic. but i love talking to people i like so if you see me feel free to come say hi.

so my bro started a music review website that you all should check out.

AM Radio

alright it is three fifteen. grave jobs mess you up. much love to all yall.

(also, jack bauer.)
(oh yeah, and ogrimmar.)