Wednesday, July 30, 2008

"Don't Worry, This Is Totally Necessary."

Hey Kids and Kidettes!

So I just learned how Chubby Checker got that name. Awesome. Oh boy, I have had a pretty eventful week or so. Went to Comic-Con. Yup that's right. It was pretty stinkin' sweet. I dressed up like Princess Leia. It must have been a hit cause people were whispering and pointing at me. So they must have thought it was awesome.......right? No but honestly I don't need to dress up cause I already bear an uncanny resemblance to Superman.

So on the way home from Comic-Con, one of my teeth decided to explode. Literally. Honestly out of nowhere it started having shooting pain that almost made me throw up. Mind you, this was in the middle of the desert in Cali when this started happening. Lame, right? So we stopped at the store and I got some of those Advil PM things. I haven't ever taken those things before now. So I took a couple and just sat there. In like 15 minutes I fell asleep. When I woke up I realized it had only been 45 min. I was all like, "How lame is that, those dumb pills don't even work!" So I started reading a comic book (I am a nerd, remember?) and sure enough like 20 minutes later, my body pretty much shut down. I mean like instantly. My head may have actually hit the dashboard, I am still uncertain. So I pretty much slept the 10 hour drive home.

So we get home and I get an appointment with the dentist. I show up and he tells me I need a root canal. But the weird thing is that he tells me he hasn't done one on that specific tooth for like 13 years. So I am thinking "How is that even possible?" Apparently I am the only one in his whole 13 years of dentistry that has had a problem with that tooth. I mean honestly, I can't decide if he just chooses not to do those teeth or if it is just random that no one he has seen has had a problem there. I am leaning towards the first one.

So anyway, he refers me to another dentist who is all about my tooth apparently. So I show up at this other place and they make me sign all those papers that say if they kill you its not their fault and that you are giving them permission to make you look like a goofball. I think there may have been a part that said something about them posting pictures of me on the Internet, I don't remember exactly. So they take me to the dungeon and the dentist says to me, "So how is your day?" Hmmmm......... lets see. I had an ok breakfast, my favorite Miley Cyrus song came on the radio on the way here, I am here for a root canal, and I am gonna play some Warcraft later. Well actually, considering the root canal, I am gonna say not so good. But thanks for asking. Really, what did he expect? That I would say "Awesome!" and do one of those slow motion high-fives like in Breakfast Club? Anyway I thought that was funny. Then he starts in with the small talk as he is attaching things to my face that I have actually seen in Battlestar Galactica. I have a problem being asked questions when the person asking doesn't actually care. I am always extremely tempted to answer the what I did this weekend question by saying, "Oh nothing really just hung out with some of my buddies, ate some food, saw a movie, killed a hobo in the train yard and buried him in a field, you know the usual." Funny thing is, I actually did all those things this weekend. Anyway, I understand the purpose of small talk, it just seems pointless.

INTERMISSION (sorry this is the longest post I have ever done I think.)

So he starts getting into it with all his contraptions and devil tools. Granted, I couldn't feel a thing but as you all know, the whole process is unsettling. The other funny thing is that he really would not explain what he was doing. I honestly think he was nervous that I would see how to do it and then run out and start my own dentist office in my garage. Seriously, why are they so secretive? Anyway I did see most of it and I could probably do it. So if any of you are interested in some cheap dental work, give me a call.

Actually saying I understood what was happening couldn't have been further from the truth. I really think he did a couple of things that were totally unnecessary, but he threw them in just to confuse me. I think the part that freaked me out the most was the open flame he was using. Really. It was like a flame! It was like he was using some procedure from the 17th century! I don't know what he was doing with it, but we friggin' put a man on the moon! There has got to be something better than that! All in all, the whole thing was way over my head.

So he finishes up and decides he wants to have a conversation knowing full well that I am going to sound like someone who has been kicked in the head by a horse. This is why I am convinced that they just like to mess with you. Really, I think I saw him high-five the assistant as I left. And I am pretty sure he tried to put a kick me sign on my back on my way out. The jerk.

So teeth suck is kind of the whole point. I mean really, why do teeth even have nerves in them? I don't need to feel anything with my teeth. I think I am going to have them all taken out. I might do it myself. I think there is a guide on Wikipedia, I'll have to check.

Well now that you wasted 6 hours of your life reading this, you should probably go do something productive like tutoring inner city children or something. I am gonna go dribble some Kool-Aid down my chin and go to bed.



spintzdee said...

you say funny thing

Jared said...

That was a long read, but worth every minute. The IT guy at work is gonna start suspecting something if I keep spending this much time on your blog.

Robyn Maughan said...

Ok, seriously you make me laugh. I haven't ever had a root canal and hope the day never comes. Good to hear from you.

Papaoso said...

Wow!! I've read this under recommendation of a friend and I do have to say that this is one of the more delightful blog posts I've indulged myself in. I particularly like the slow motion breakfast club high five, and the dribbling koolaid down your chin. well done sir well done.

Ashley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andy said...

I see how it is you antidentite! Let me know when you want those teeth pulled. I need more practice torturing, I mean helping, people.